Luis (9:26:39 a.m.): Hey! It's been a while! How are you? Anyway, quick question. Did you get a weird Valentine's Day text from me last night, even though it's early November? I ask because I read this thing about how a lot of people woke up this morning to weird text messages that were originally sent on Valentine's Day but never went through. For reasons no one yet understands, a clog shook loose in the internet pipes, and all of those unsent texts were sent at once early this morning. Some people are even getting messages from friends and family who've since died. It's wild.
Luis (9:27:07 a.m.): Anyway, I didn't send one. Well I mean, I did, but I didn't send it last night while you were asleep. I know my boundaries. It was the clogged internet pipes that randomly decided to send you that months-old "Happy Valentine's Day!" message that had a tasteful nude video of me surrounded by those little chalky heart-shaped candies that say things like "Be Mine" while "Kiss From A Rose" played. The video was more appropriate back when we were dating than it is now that you're engaged to someone else.
Luis (9:28:42 a.m.): You moved on pretty quickly after our relationship ended, by the way. I'm not saying it means something one way or another. It's just, you know, interesting.
Luis (9:29:58 a.m.): It's actually pretty funny.
Luis (9:30:05 a.m.): Remember how back in February, we had that argument about how I supposedly didn't send you a "Happy Valentine's Day" text, and I said I did?
Luis (9:30:22 a.m.): It turns out I was right the whole time.
Luis (9:30:23 a.m.): lol
Luis (9:30:58 a.m.): You were a real dick to me for what turns out was no reason, because I was actually a very good boyfriend who you should've appreciated more for fully committing to my role in this stupid obligatory Valentine's texting ritual. And I would appreciate an apology for the way you treated me, when it clearly wasn't my fault. And by the way, why are you trying to ruin my life god you suck I can't believe you left me why did you leave me you crazy psycho.
Marlene (3:30:21 p.m.): no
Luis (3:30:22 p.m.): k nvm. Disregard.
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