It's 2019, so unless you were celebrating Thanksgiving in matching Grand Wizard robes or sharing a tofurkey with all the other anarcho-socialists in your freegan commune, odds are your family reunion was again a bit more tense than usual. But no matter how many times you had to hear your granddad's slurred opinions on Elizabeth Warren, kindly Kid Rock wants to remind you that it could've been worse. Namely, you could've spent the holidays with Kid Rock.
On November 29, patrons of Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N' Roll Steakhouse (yes, this is a real location) in Nashville were awaiting a mini-concert by the mankid himself. But because Kid Rock knows there are people out there who aren't lucky enough to be spending the holidays with their family (instead of in a restaurant with a giant woman's butt for a sign) the honorary Florida Man instead turned his set into a one-man Thanksgiving dinner theater, where he took on the role of a lifetime as everyone's least favorite uncle.
Taking to the stage while appearing to not have the most pristine of faculties, Kid Rock fired off a medley of questionable Thanksgiving observations. Opening with some very strong abuse of Oprah, the maestro then flowed naturally into a tirade about other Hollywood celebrities who did him dirty. Seeing the tide turn in the audience, he pulled out the classic catchphrase "I'm not the bad guy in this equation" before finishing strong with an impromptu karaoke version of "Proud Mary" and instructing everyone who assumes he's a racist to "suck [his] dick, sideways."
Of course, no Thanksgiving performance is complete without getting kicked out because -- swear to God, Robert, if you can't behave in front of your nieces you're not coming back into the house. So after this tirade, Kid Rock was escorted out of Kid Rock's own ass-taurant by Kid Rock's own security, while his own fiance Audrey Berry stayed inside to engage in some really awkward small talk.
After Kid Rock had calmed down, probably by chain-smoking Kools on the patio and posting unwanted compliments on pornstars' Instagrams, he returned to explain himself in a way that blamed everyone else for his behavior, justifying his ire for Oprah because she once dared to demand a show of good faith before letting him on her show. So you see, Kid Rock truly embraced the true meaning of Thanksgiving: he refused an invitation to the table because nobody expects him not to embarrass everyone.
For more weird tangents and recipes for prison toilet-cranberry sauce, do follow Cedric on Twitter.
For more, check out The Matrix Is Real, If You Are A Cow and Archaeologists Find Hardcore Infants Wearing Skull Helmets.
Follow us on Facebook. It's free.